Plus237 Blog
In deep grief, as per usual
Hi, I'm Danielle and I think about grief a lot. One day I was walking from CVS after getting some nail polish remover, and this post basically wrote itself in my head. I swear I was walking and my voice started narrating parts of this. I rushed home and wrote it down, edited it a few times and published it.
Published July 25, 2025 on Patreon
CW: mentions of suicidality
My mom told me my first few months of life I wouldn't or couldn’t stop crying. She would bathe me, feed me, change me, do all the things and nothing worked. One day a neighbor, an elder, asked her “why is that child always crying?” Mom said she didn’t know. The elder woman paused in deep thought, grabbed some plants from her garden and brewed them into a tea for me. My endless wailing finally stopped and my mother had her first decent night of rest since my birth.
Sadness, melancholy and nostalgia have always come very easily to me, must be all that water in my birth chart.
As I got older in the aftermath of a turbulent divorce, coming into my queerness in Cameroon and then adjusting to immigrant poor life in these “united” states, other things like chronic suicidal ideation* and disordered eating reared their heads and kept me company well into my late 20's. The accumulation of grief for reasons known and unknown calcified in my body and in college, a psychiatrist named it depression and anxiety disorders and prescribed me Zoloft. Honestly, the numbing from the drug was welcomed.
I'm choosing to spend these days without antidepressants*, feeling more grounded in my grief, walking alongside it with rituals, breathing and plant medicine to support me, weaving it in my artistic practice, and tending to it with graceful loving care. It’s not my grief alone; it is my family’s, my community’s, my ancestors’. I'm able to carry my grief with more levity and see more love and magic in the mundane.
I offer you an ancient box breathing exercise that has grounded me countless of times in deep grief and panic. I learned it from Jesse, therapist and organizer in Baltimore who held a workshop I attended 4 years ago on mapping the nervous system: Take a few deep belly breaths following this pattern inhale 1, 2, 3, 4 / pause 1, 2, 3, 4 / exhale 1, 2, 3, 4 / pause 1, 2, 3, 4. Once you get this pattern down, add a sigh of relief with each exhale and imagine the weight on your shoulders getting lighter. I like to stretch the count to 6 or 8 and say "I release" in my mind with each exhale. Thank yourself afterwards for taking the time to reconnect with the body and breath. This is a powerful step.
Take care,
Danielle🌻
Song recs: Sadness is a blessing by Lykke Li (a high school fave) and Start light (my baby) by Mereba (I've been playing repeating since this May, it literally cradles me).
*for those who've gone through or are going through something similar, sending you big love, that shit is exhausting and normal af. Check out this essay by Anna Borges, it re-calibrated my brain in a way and helped reduce shame
*talk to yourself, your peoples who have your best interest at heart and your med professionals before you get off your antidepressants
if you felt moved by my words, support my artist journey: purchase some art, donate to my artist journey and/or share with your network :) thank youuuuu
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